Montag, 20. August 2018
words kicked me near the highway. it sounds loud. i remember longview grace hill crape myrtle bushes very tall and colorful red. i lay the stone under a beautiful tall tree. like an egg. in the nest. the headstone wasnt found. i look for fathers name three times that day. it was hot. yesterday arrived. long fly to dallas. rent a car. it jumped up under my feets. i couldnt ride it. an i try and try. i had forgot only one feet for driving. we arrived longview late in the darkness. i fall on my bed and feel bad. wet towel on my head and wash me up. i feel better and sleep. i saw a hairy shoe tonight and very thin legs it s a climbing insect very slowly dark violett and green like maygreen. forgetten. its difficult to find words for that imaginantion, more than pictures is it, it flow away in a moment, not to catch, first i lost these picture and now i cant imagination these word. under the door a strong strike of sunlight, a shadow between. like a person that stand before and want to hear very quiet all that. i know when i open i can see what it is. i doesnt need it. i am sure there is the sealing and behind crossover the place in the heat the sun is high. i will go. i am not sad. i try to feel sadness. no black dress also. its more like a hunt. no not a hunt. i cannt remeber realy what happend with me. i want to do it wright. never i run. so i go slowly cross the street at the corner after waiting for green light. green light are hanging high over the street. i wait and then i make a few steps faster. calm down boy. there is no entry. back to the street and along until i get an open way to come in. the singing bird is sitting on the headstone. i am wondering. what a crazy life calls there to me. quit on the ground and glory sounds over it. hi, i am here i want to give all my love to you. i cant find you but the bird let me feel that it is right. you arnt longer here, you arnt here since the moment they gave you under the ground and put the hole with the same earth they take out. i love you dad i love you. its your miracel in company that i am here and so even like you. i see you when i look the bleckandwhite photos my sisters gave me. they said i do sounds like you. a moment please that cant close my wound it make it deeper. never i will tell it to you dear sisters. at yet i am start this trip trough simolar times and an other area that is parkville an piece of hartford where my sisters grown up ans i wasnt there. i had mine here in germany. i think i will do something like a collage, ore pantience, tarot, other plays to find out whats the difference and wht ist equal. i am sure much is equal. the most fotos make the fathers, because they arnt often to see. i imagination these. a sounding water spills. a jump around. listen are there call a bird? or falls a piece of chalk. a cry will be never it end with silence. now the ground is covered with snow. yes my old good friend. i say the ground is covered with white snow and then a few hours later dirty dust on it. but it is good enough for an snowball battle on me. laughter in the Heathstreet when grandma throw the snowball. later we had tea in the house. it near by dedcember and we hope all the time in the snow will make us a little bit more humble to find the way under the tree. big eyes and glittering scenes up the moment it rings. we started to behold that moment for ever. to get gifts from another world, like we are gifts in your hands and our joy will make it believed. so we are happy also without your grace. you looked at us what we will do with all these things you gave us to accept for an wished gift. oh daddy thank you for this and a kiss for mammy. after the scene mostly tears. alone in the pillow and darkness until morning. church going. i see on the photo this christmas tree made out of silver branches. beside the good taste, that will be dont mention , your eyes are astonished from this glitter. my dear. i am feeling so sad. what for an awful waiting for this green tree. in the same room were i stand all the time and looked in this sad around. the closed door this evening outclosing me t for another one year more and i want to get out far away from this.